Guest blogger Aundaray Guess on Stigma and Dating

Thanks to Aundaray for letting us share this very personal, very positive message.  Check out all of his blog postings here!

The intersection of HIV disclosure and dating

This is the second in my own personal thoughts of disclosure. I say that because we all have our own disclosure which is unique to only us. Just like fingerprints, we all have them but they all differ. In this post I want to review my intersection with disclosure and dating. So as a disclaimer others may do things differently but for me when it came to dating, this is how I dealt with it.

His name was Mike-a least for this post it was, and we had just met. I was in my early twenties and had known of my status for a while and he was older, mature and experienced. It was a good connection and not one built on sex as I was afraid of this thing inside of me. We were on the same script as he wasn't looking for a one night stand either.

So what was the problem? The problem was that in all the sharing over dinners and movie dates, i never brought up my status. Looking back he didn't neither as we never had a conversation that should have been had. But by not telling I was not trying to be devious, but because-first we had just met and I didn't know him that well to share something so personal. Second-I was in a stage of fear of others finding out and if I shared it and he got upset, what would he do with the information. Thank God it wasn't today with the invention of Facebook and other social media sites where your business could be out there in a hot minute.

Third-It was the other thing I feared and unfortunately it happened. I told him as I felt the relationship was going to the next level. He didn't say anything right away. In fact he didn't say anything at all as my phone calls kept going to voice mail and any efforts to reach out to him was unsuccessful. It was the third thing I feared-rejection.

At the time I felt I was in a 'damn if I do, damn if I don't situation', Small traces of anger formed on why even bother being honest. Maybe I was marked. Why bother when you see personal ads that state 'neg-you be too' or 'no fat, no fems, no poz' Or if I dated was it to only be based on the same status rather than the organic connection/attraction. And why should I reveal? As long as I practice safe sex, then there's no need for disclosure. On top of that I convinced myself relationships are over-rated who needs them anyway.

So for a while I denied myself the ability of someone getting to close to me. I didn't want to let someone hurt me again by rejecting me. I guess I wanted to do it to you before you did it to me. When Mike pulled the disappearing act, I vowed never let someone be in the driver's seat with my emotions.

Now older I realize my life was lonely and the wall I built around myself kept people out, but I was also stuck alone behind the same walls. Going home to a silent house. Alone.

That's the wonderful thing about maturity. You get to a phase in your life where you tell yourself, if you don't want all of me, then it's your loss, not mine. I had to get to that place because by hiding behind that wall they still had the power. I had to regain my own strength.
I had to take the leap in the unknown waters and put it all in God's hand. If it's meant to be then so be it, if not then so be it as well.

I didn't want to put myself of the right 'timing game' any longer. The game of do I tell after the first date, the second or the third or when is it to late?  I just didn't want to do it no more. This is who I am.

But for those who don't or haven't disclosed I know where you're coming from. I was there. It's just that for me it was a place I no longer wanted to be.

There is no official rule book on when. I think when it comes to relationships we have to just trust that gut and do what we feel is right. I feel for me by living my life in the truth although I lost some people in my life, I gained more than I lost.

Mike you may have taught me what rejection felt like but man I have to say to you, 'you had a good thing and you lost it'.       

Dear Stigma:

Let's hope Stigma listens.  Thanks to Ciona for letting us reblog.  Check out her blog after this!




Free HIV Testing
Originally uploaded by Jeremy Brooks

Dear Stigma,

I tell people they are HIV+ for a living.

More often I am able to tell people they tested negative, which is wonderful. But sometimes I have to tell people they did, in fact, test positive.

I think of myself as an HIV test salesperson. The test is free, so I don’t make money or commission off of each person who gets a test. I’m a “salesperson,” however, because HIV tests aren’t exactly as popular as the iPhone G4. People don’t usually stand in long lines or sleep in the cold overnight waiting to see me. I’ll credit you for that, Stigma.

Instead, I approach people as they wait to see their doctor or dentist at our local non-profit health clinic and try to convince people that everyone should get tested regularly.

“Hello. My name is Ciona, and I’m just going through the clinic getting people started on a free HIV test that we offer if you’ve not had yours this year. When was your last test?”

I get a couple of different responses to this question:

• My favorite: “Let’s see . . . I think it was a couple of years ago. But sure, I’ll take another!”
• Uncomfortable giggle and wrinkled brow, followed by a slowly stammered, “I’ve . . . never . . . had one. I don’t think I . . . need an HIV test . . .” (and occasionally they’ll follow this with a whispered disclosure: I haven’t had sex in 7 years or a very loud I don't do those kinds of things).
• “Oh, I don’t want to know if I have it.” (what?!?!)
• Sheer look of horror as if while traveling from my mouth to their brains, my words transformed into, “Hello. My name is Lucifer, and I’m holding a bottle of the plague in my hand for you to drink."

And, Stigma, I’m pretty sure you’re solely responsible for the last response.

While it certainly feels much better to get to tell someone they are HIV-negative as opposed to positive, I’m pretty certain that a lot of people who don’t even know that they are positive get past me. They are some of the ones who refuse to take the test because they are afraid or because the woman sitting beside them made such a big deal about how she did NOT need an HIV test because she is married and doesn’t do any of those bad things.

So these people who manage to get through may not ever be under the care of an HIV specialist, may not ever take medicine and may not ever know their status until it’s way too late for them to manage the disease and lead a healthy life. Yes, Stigma, all because of you.

And then you creep in and do your work on people who even know they have HIV! I met a man who was emaciated and struggling to even walk. As I rolled him in a wheelchair to go take an HIV test after much convincing, he told me that he did not need a test. He said he already knew his status. He came along with me, however, because he wanted me to pretend to take his test since his sister was there with him and nobody in his family could know he was positive. I obliged because I don't think he should have to disclose his status if he doesn’t desire.

But I was also very sad. This man was not under medical care, he said, because he did not have a car and didn’t want his family to drive him to see the “AIDS doctor.” He was choosing death over telling his family he had HIV.

Stigma, you are doing a great job of helping AIDS kill people. That’s right; I’m calling you an accomplice to murder.

Would you consider retirement? Could you consider letting go of your rank so that people who may not be at risk for HIV would get over you enough to just go ahead and make an HIV test a routine practice? Then this might help normalize it for those who are at a greater risk but are nervous to step into a clinic and ask for a test. Could you consider going away so that people could feel more comfortable saying that they have HIV without people judging them or their behaviors and actually get the medical help and emotional support that they need?

Would you please die instead of killing others?

Awaiting your departure,

Ciona

International Congress on AIDS

Busan, South Korea 10th International Congress on AIDS

n Asia and the Pacific (ICAAP10)For more information, please visit http://www.icaap10.org

Beauty and Brains

The third genders of Nepal, also known as the Meti community, have not had a good fit with the mainstream society. From discrimination, stigmatization and bullying to downright physical brutality, they have endured atrocities beyond belief. Practically written off by the political system, they had no constitutional recognition, little citizenship provision and no likelihood of a respectable employment opportunity. After the establishment of Blue Diamond Society, their days of anonymity were over, at least on paper.

They have been collectivised and have a steady platform to put their cases forward. Hence, they successfully organized a series of beauty and brain contests in order to campaign for their basic human rights using HIV and AIDS awareness. By combining entertainment of beauty contests with a powerful social message of equality and acceptance, they have attempted to reach out to the third gender individuals and educate the general public. The documentary Beauty and Brain has captured these third gender participants as they embark upon a journey of self-discovery and a celebration of their being. In a way, the contestants taking the stage to showcase their beauty and talent already symbolize an act of defiance against social convention. Many of them went through incredible transformations within the period of few months. This will certainly encourage those who haven’t been able to demonstrate their true self and will provide them with positive role models. It will bring this community in better light as fellow human beings, not complete outcasts.

Click here to find out more